Tooth Fairy No Show

Hopefully, The Maven has been able to convey her deep respect and admiration for The Fairy in her prior posts this month. That said, there is a small, teensy issue The Maven would like to bring to The Fairy’s attention.

Tooth Fairy:

Look Girl, The Maven understands better than most the rigors of a career. It’s also clear that life presents many demands and distractions. But, follow through is critical and, showing up is like, 90% of the job.

Which leads me to this.

Why do you sometimes fail to complete the mission? I understand the occasional sick day, but I’m hearing from parents about repeated no-shows! Why certain families should be singled out escapes me. Could you possibly have a front-desk problem, and you’re not getting proper information? Perhaps your secretary is spending too much time on Facebook and not enough time on the job? –(Call me. I can help you with that one.) And if you’re getting dropped calls may I suggest Verizon? They have the largest network and claim to have fewer signal problems, mkay?

I’ve got parents right and left telling me how they’ve had to cover for you. And there’s only so long people will do that, y'know. The Maven herself has been asked directly by her pediatric patients about The Fairy’s forgetfulness. Seems I’m makin’ a career out’a saving your fairy-hide.

Kids naturally think I have some insider knowledge of your doings. I’ve painted you on sick leave, vacation, visiting aging relatives in assisted fairy-living, experiencing vehicle trouble, weather problems, jury duty, doctor’s appointments and waiting for Comcast’s arrival to fix your dang internet. This crap is wearing me to a frazzle.

Whether you know it or not, you’ve got families up in arms. I’ve had your back, girl, but it’s getting to be a tad annoying. I find out you’re problems aren’t legit, and you’re just having one too many Chardonnay’s, I’m through. Count me out.

So get your little Fairy Act together. There’s all kinds of “reminder software” out there. Heck, the AGD has a widget that reminds you when you’re due for your dental checkup. May be you should install that on your computer while you’re at it.

Girl, we’ve been in this together since I got out of dental school. I keep them healthy, you collect, store and provide reward for them. I’ve been holding up my end. Least you can do is stick with the game plan.

Kissing Can Be Hazardous To Your Commute

“No Kissing” signs have been posted on the railway platform in Manchester, England. Proper and punctual, the Brits are fed-up with commuting delays caused by couples locked in a last minute embrace before boarding. In fairness, designated kissing areas will be provided.

But could this legislation create a cultural bias against kissing? Will kissers ultimately suffer the same social alienation as, say, smokers? Could the ban insidiously expand to restaurants, bars, sporting events and public buildings?

There’s no word yet on how non-kissers feel about this new law, and there’s no indication as to how hefty the fines will be for offenders.

The Maven is proud to report that here in the US we have a Kisser-friendly society. Signage is posted at many rail and subway areas actually reminding couples to pucker up before departure. Busy commuters are prompted to kiss their partners before heading off to work – lest they forget. Despite the endorsement, the US doesn’t seem to suffer from the commuter kissing delays which have so plagued British Society.

But, could this be a rush to judgement? Is it just one of those Britishisms that American’s don’t understand? Could we be interpreting the signage incorrectly? Because, honestly? When I saw the sign, now this could just be me, but I interpreted it as:

“No Kissing With Rollers In Your Hair.”

Can you see what I’m saying? I mean, the girls got rollers in her hair, right?

And that makes sense to me. But, I guess you don’t need a sign to enforce that rule. Kinda’ like you don’t need a sign saying:

“please do not drink out of the toilet.”

Cause, if you have rollers in your hair, there’s Zero chance you’re getting kissed.

The Maven sincerely hopes we’ve got it wrong. Why would a society deliberately discourage such a warm, uniquely human, fundamentally affectionate act such as kissing? It just doesn’t seem right, does it?

Nope. I’m goin' with the roller theory.

Getting Back To The Fairy...

Attempting to understand the fiduciary responsibility of the Tooth Fairy, The Maven has canvassed the blogging community regarding current rates of reimbursement.

How The Fairy follows the economic markets is not well documented. But, she clearly has a comprehensive understanding of global finance. Recognize that The Tooth Fairy has remained financially sound through numerous business cycles of expansion and contraction including the Great Depression as well as more recent recessions. Indeed, the modern day banking industry has much to learn from The Fairy. It seems remuneration has kept up with, and in some areas exceeded the rate of inflation. Recent data suggests The Fairy may have begun her own stimulus package in select US areas. Rewards of a mammoth $100 per tooth has been reported in the financially strapped state of California.

Here are the results of The Maven Poll:

DCUrbandad reports that, although his daughter has not yet lost any teeth, the buzz in the D.C. metro area suggests a rate of $5. Petra over at TheWiseYoungMommy states that a range of 2 to 5 dollars is meted out and depends upon the size and condition of the tooth. Apparently, The Fairy places a premium on clean, well cared for teeth in her locality. The Lawyer Mom reports a similar system whereby the front teeth are awarded $3 and all others receive $1. Lawyer Mom speculates this is due to the large size of the front teeth and the resulting alteration in the child’s appearance sans tooth. Reinforcing the widely held belief that--size does matter.

MamaDawg from TwoDogsRunning weighs in with a graduated system. The Fairy brings $1 for the first tooth, $2 for the second and so on. MamaDawg expressed concern with this system and worries about the sustainability of such a policy in these hard economic times. Jen at SpritesKeeper admits to being equally distressed about the current Fairy rates. Despite the 100 year history of solvency, Jen believes inflation will eventually impact The Fairy and adversely affect Sprite as she begins to lose teeth.

Sarah over at Sarah’s Blogtastic Adventures describes a more measured approach by The Fairy. A flat rate of $1 per tooth irrespective of condition, size or number of teeth lost. Often the dollar is accompanied by a small momento such as a princess pen or markers. In Canada, Captain Dumbass from USandThem reports a rate of $2 C which at this writing is approximately $1.60 American. Canada has a $2 coin which The Fairy evidently finds convenient and prizes its’ easy under-pillow conveyance.

Three dollars, all in quarters is reported by The Comedy Goddess, demonstrating The Fairy’s sensitivity to a child’s delight in quantity. The Stiletto Mom talks of neighborhood rumors claiming $10 to $20 per tooth, plus a toy! This clearly must be hearsay as Stiletto asserts The Fairy leaves $5 for her children. (Hey, you can’t pick your neighbors.) Debbie over at SuburbSanity confirms that The Fairy’s time-honored tradition of leaving non-monetary gifts is still thriving in certain parts of the country. Her children have all received polished stones for their teeth. It was an immediate hit and her kids took great delight in discovering which stone the Fairy chose for them. Debbie points out that the inevitable monetary comparisons between neighborhood kids is non-issue when the Fairy leaves gifts.

More reliable than the US postal service. Better bookkeeping than the IRS. Stealthy as a Navy SEAL. No racial, ethnic or religious bias. And a system which remains a mystery to all. That’s one formidable Fairy.

Yet the question remains. Is the Tooth Fairy real? Hey, millions of people believe a woodchuck can predict how long winter will last. Yup. She’s real.

Parental Guidance Suggested

Many of you may now be aware of the recently circulating youtube video showing a 7 year old boy high on tranquilizers he was given for a dental procedure. We watch the boy as he’s video taped by his father who’s seated in the front car seat. Grossly impaired by medication, the 7 year old is seen alternately folding over, lifting himself out of his car seat, and at once belting out a full scream. He says things like: “Is this real life? I can’t see anything” and “will this be forever?”

The father of the now 8 year old, David, said he was trying to teach his son that the “anticipation (of the procedure) is probably much worse than the actual event.” He allowed that “This might not have been the right case to give an example,” but he adds that the viral nature of the video is “exciting.” The video has now been viewed 8 million times.

The Maven was dumbfounded. This video violates every code of human decency, dignity, and moral ethics. What moron finds this funny?? At every turn in the video, The Maven feared that David would vomit, aspirate or have some other adverse reaction. There’s no adult sitting in the back seat with the child. No one to soothe him or simply be at the ready for any problem that could arise. To be honest--I was relieved when the video ended. And outraged. And to say nothing of informed consent-- did David retain legal counsel and sign all the appropriate documentation which allowed his parents to publically post the video on the internet?

And who are the 8 million viewers who find this amusing? Probably the same individuals who watch and circulate videos of drunks. Those videos are equally disturbing, tragic and frankly depressing. When did society decide that the medically impaired were funny?

So, what’s the message here? It’s okay to trip on meds prescribed by a doctor? You’ll be the life of the party when you start hallucinating and behaving strangely? Should we start setting up video feeds from outpatient surgical center recovery rooms? Oh yeah, that will give us plenty to guffaw over. I’m sure all those patients who just had hemorrhoids removed, hysterectomies and ACL reconstruction would be game for that.

And just think, if they have some crazy reaction to the anesthesia and need to be resuscitated we can all watch. Perfect.

Listen up David’s Dad. As a parent you’re supposed to protect your child. Keep him safe. Teach him how to become a responsible adult. You’re also the guardian of your child’s confidential information. Surely you must love your child. So stop acting like his college roommate and start behaving like his parent.

Life In Plastic

Barbie turns the big 5-oh.


You may not know that Barbie, um, Dr. Barbie, had a brief dental career beginning in 1997. Yes, that’s right. Barbie is a board certified dentist. Concurrently, she had a few frivolous side-stints as Nascar Driver, Soda Fountain Worker and even an unsuccessful bid for the presidency in 2000, but she was indeed, actively engaged in the practice of dentistry for three years.

In the last 50 years, Barbie’s had many careers. A few notables are teacher, hairdresser, nurse, astronaut and medical doctor. It’s interesting that she was able to complete her medical degree in 1988, but didn’t complete her dental studies until 1997. That may be testament to the demanding and rigorous academics involved in earning a dental doctorate.

Barbie and The Maven have a lot in common. We’re both blondes, we both LOVE fashion, our figures are identical, very similar, close enough, and we both respect monogamy – (although The Maven’s husband is both handsome and brilliant.)
BTW Barb, did Ken ever have a job? Or was he just hangin’ around because you were his gravy train and let him drive your expensive cars? You oughta’ think about that one, girl. But that’s getting off the point…Where Barbie and I differ is our commitment to a profession.

Barb, I have to tell you that your indecision and perfidy with respect to a chosen profession has been bad for females in dentistry. You may not know this, but there is active discussion in dental schools today pertaining to the female dental student and access to dental care in America.

It seems that for some years women have comprised 50% or more of graduating dental classes. Unfortunately, many of those women will have a career span of only 5 to 10 years. Women in dentistry often stop practicing to raise families. With a shortage of dentists in this country, schools are debating whether to continue to accept women in the same numbers given the possibility that a female may cut her career short. A male on the other hand, will likely practice dentistry for 35 or more years. So, you see the problem here Babbs? Your erratic and impulsive career changes have been damaging.

Just a thought…this issue you have with inability to commit, is that why you and Ken broke up in 2004? Not to be rude, but you kept that poor guy hangin’ for 43 long years sister! Now you’re all Cali-Girl-Barbied-out and hooked up with that Blaine dude from down-under. Is Blaine employed, or are you his meal ticket too? You’d think with all your umpty degrees you’d have some damn sense!

Anywho.
Barb – Happy 50th girl, you do look awesome. You’re well educated, the 2009 “Debut™Barbie®” is selling for $50 bucks a pop, you’ve got your new man---- kudos. But please, can you stop with the career changes already? Your devil-may-care attitude toward employment is hurting female dentists.

The Results Are In!

Time to announce the Presi-Dental Contest winner and reveal the mystery smiles.

Before the winner is announced let’s get some housekeeping out of the way. Out of the hundreds of sixteen contestants none were able to correctly name mystery president #6. As for mystery mouth #5 –one contestant simply said, “Mystery mouth which looks like a monkey, or orangutan.” Uh, okay. And then there was the shrewd entrant who simply wrote: “Washington” for all 9 smiles. Dude. Seriously. Did you sleep through 8 years of American history? Oh, and FYI?... Neither Jay Leno nor Brad Pitt has ever been president.


The result will surely look like nepotism and before you get all up in arms let me state that the fix was not on! The Maven has no control over the results, she merely reports them. Remember, the contest rules state that the earliest contestant to email with the most points wins. Here are the Smiles and presidents in order of contest appearance:

Mystery Mouth #1:

Mystery Mouth #2:

Mystery Mouth #3:

Mystery Mouth #4:

Mystery Mouth #5:

Mystery Mouth #6:

Mystery Mouth #7:

Mystery Mouth #8:

Mystery Mouth #9:

I know you're all anxious to know who gets the coveted prizes of the fridge magnet and the KnowYourTeeth certificate (suitable for framing). And the winner is…………………….The Lawyer Mom! Yes, it’s common knowledge that The Maven loves The Lawyer Mom’s Blog and never misses a post. No, this is not one of those back-scratching-blog-buddy-paybacks! And I’m deeply offended that you would suggest it! I don't know, I guess law school includes some special presidential dental Ad Litem, Corpos Mentis, Habeas Corpus Whatever! I can’t explain it. Just deal with it. The Lawyer Mom won, fair and square.

Tooth Fairy...101

Attention Internets! This is the first of several posts in February where we’ll discuss that hard workin’ gal: The Tooth Fairy.

Wouldn’t you think that the Tooth Fairy should be addressed in the dental school curriculum? Like maybe a small segment in the pediatric dentistry section? How about in oral biology, orthodontics, anywhere?? It’s pretty sad that I have to sit here and tell you that the Fairy doesn’t even get so much as a mention in dental school. And I’m pretty cheesed off that my knowledge of her was so grievously lacking upon graduation. Thanks Boston University!

Anywho, The Maven has done the research and She’s gonna give it to you straight:

Prior to the 1900’s, proper disposal of baby teeth, as well as hair and nail clippings, was serious business. Since witchcraft was a concern, you needed to make sure these items didn’t fall into the possession of a sorcerer. Burying, hiding and burning were common strategies.

Folk rituals were in abundance as well. One custom was to feed the baby tooth to an animal. (no mention in the literature on just how that was accomplished…heeere kitty-kitty) It was thought that by doing this the child’s adult teeth would resemble that of the animal which ate it -- such as a mouse, dog or pig. The goal being sharp and strong teeth. Back then animals had far fewer dental problems than humans. (probably early adopters of brushing and flossing) Other practices involved throwing the tooth into the sun, hiding it up in a tree or tossing it over a roof. America’s problem with obesity hastening the extinction of these more athletic endeavors.

Our present day Fairy may have had her beginnings in a 17th century French fairy tale entitled, “La Bonne Petite Souris.” In said tale, a fairy turns into a mouse to help a good queen defeat an evil king. As the story goes, the mouse hides under the king’s pillow at night and torments the old curmudgeon. The mouse is instrumental in the king’s death by biting his ears, tongue, lips and cheeks. Some versions claim the mouse knocks out all the king’s teeth.

As time went on, superstitions were relaxed and parents got lazier. Baby teeth were placed in flower pots or planter boxes and finally under the childs’ pillow where it would be swapped for a coin or treat in the middle of the night. Since kids are curious and love hearing stories, voila! A Tooth Fairy is born!

As her popularity increased, a three-act playlet for children, “The Tooth Fairy,” was published in 1927 by Esther Watkins Arnold. Then in 1949 the first storybook was written about the Fairy by Lee Rogow. The 1980’s saw the real commercialization of the tooth fairy with dolls, pillows, pixie dust, notes, boxes, banks, you name it.

Not much exists in the way of information surrounding the fairy’s residence, storage facility, or record keeping. The Maven had to punt when Her son posed those questions. And boy, She really rose to the occasion on that one! Even going so far as to flagrantly lie offer that She had actually met The Fairy in dental school. Hey! Lighten up internets! The magic only lasts ‘till they’re about seven.

Man, you people can be rough.