Mark Anderson Update

You may remember the California dentist who was fondling his female patients’ breasts claiming he was treating their jaw pain. Here’s an update. After eight days of jury deliberation, Mark Anderson was found guilty on 12 counts, eleven of them felonies. No surprise there. The only one believing his fairy tale about how he was trying to “heal his patients” must have been his attorney, and that’s questionable too.

Unexpected, was that the Yolo Superior Court Judge decided Anderson deserved a prison sentence that was 2 years longer than the probation officers had recommended. Judge Stephen Mock handed Anderson a 4 year prison sentence. He’ll be eligible for parole in 3 years at which time he will need to register as a sex offender – for the rest of his life.

The Maven is impressed with Judge Mock’s careful weighing of the information in his decision. Mock called Anderson “a serial sexual offender,” adding he had learned more about Mark Anderson than any defendant who had appeared before him. Mock went on to say “When I ask myself who is Mark Anderson, I can't answer that question."

Through crocodile tears, Anderson, begged for leniency claiming he had committed no crime and that the women misunderstood his clumsy efforts at physical therapy. Clumsy? Dude, Seriously? “Clumsy” is not a good adjective for anyone who practices dentistry! If you’re clumsy – by definition—you ARE A DENTAL HAZARD! What a stupid thing to say!

And don’t you just love how it’s always the victim’s problem? The women “misunderstood,” the “women were taking powerful psychotropic drugs,” the “women were overreacting because they had suffered prior abuse.” To appreciate the cunning and insidious behavior of Anderson, read this comment left on The Maven's original post by one of his victims. She details some of her experiences with Anderson.

Well Mark, hopefully you can get that “clumsy” issue under control. Banging out those license plates is gonna require some good eye-hand coordination. And you should give some consideration to what you might do once you’re out of the big house. Maybe something that doesn’t involve the public like a forest fire lookout or lighthouse supervisor or a golf ball diver– ‘cause honestly Mark – I don’t see you as a real “people-person.”

"Just wanted 2 say IMS. BFN - Clare"

Against amazing odds, Jockey Liam Treadwell recently won the Grand National, the UK version of the Kentucky Derby except with jumps. It should have been a perfect day for Liam but BBC Sports commentator, Clare Balding, blew it for him.

Seem’s ol’ Claresy knew a little secret about Liam. In a nationally televised interview after the race, Balding asked Liam for a smile. Treadwell managed a tight-lipped smile. “No, no, let's see your teeth,” Balding added. Poor Liam was chided into revealing what he’s likely been taunted about since age 8. His smile revealed wide spaces between his teeth. Balding explained, “ He hasn't got the best teeth in the world, but you can afford to go and get them done now if you like."

Bloody Hell, woman! How could you do that to someone? How old are you? From the photos The Maven has seen, it looks like Liam has what’s referred to as “congenitally missing laterals.” A fairly common phenomenon, usually hereditary, where the teeth adjacent to the two central front teeth never develop. We all know how cruel kids can be and it’s very likely that Liam was subjected to teasing as a child.

After humiliating Treadwell on national television at what should have been the most perfect moment of joy for a jockey, Clare sent a text apology to Liam. And isn’t that a class act? Oh, yeah, gotta love that Claresy. She's five star, alright. It seems her countrymen were none too amused with her behavior either. Give a listen to a few of their comments which appeared in the Mail Online:

What on earth was she thinking? Get a horse to do the interview next time.-
J, UK, 6/4/2009 1:23

Amasing comment coming from a lady who thinks she is perfect ! Fat
frumpy double chin , dodgy haircut do I need to add more ? Just keep your BIG
mouth shut next time your paid to comment on horse racing not Dentistry .- Alex
Flett, Plymouth UK, 5/4/2009 21:29

I take it Clare Balding is entering the Miss World beauty contest then??-
Alex, Hereford, England, 6/4/2009 2:10

I was speechless when she said that on Live TV. An awful thing to say
especially at such a time. The poor bloke really had the wind taken out of his
sails. She's hardly the best person to criticise someone's looks.- Bill,
Nottingham, 5/4/2009 21:46

On the same note, she must earn a decent salary. Why she doesn't she
use some of it so she looks less like an overstuffed sofa? Anna, Bristol,
5/4/2009 21:48

Rude, rude, rude. Sure she isn't American? Every American over here on
television makes rude comments about British people having bad teeth, as though
it's the only country with dental problems. - BarbaraF (expat), Los Angeles, CA,
6/4/2009 1:54

Multiple offers have come in from UK dentists offering their services to Liam for free. But Treadwell is much more pragmatic and sensible than the superficial Balding. Declining the offers, Liam explained, "I'd spend all that money and then go and ride and get my head kicked in. I'm a jump jockey, not a model."

Remember, Liam’s smile is not the result of neglect of indifference on his part. The large spaces are due to a genetic pre-disposition. His teeth are likely perfectly healthy.

Balding also posted an apology on her website. Spare me! She purposely embarrassed Treadwell on national television and did so at his moment of victory. She’s not sorry, she’s probably delighted about all the coverage she’s getting. The woman should be relieved of her duties at the BBC. Her audience expected a professional horse-race commentator and what they got was a horse’s a**.

Licence To Drill

Paul Diba was arrested in Long Island, NY for practicing dentistry without a license. In fact Diba was never licensed to practice dentistry in NY.

The hell? Of all the illegal ways to get money, why go through the trouble of buying a dental practice and then pretend to be a dentist? And a root canal specialist no less! Why not choose something a little, uh, easier and less technique sensitive with fewer up-front costs? Something like drug dealing, or Ebay scamming or credit card fraud. What blithering idiot decides dentistry is such a CAKE WALK that it’s a great get-rich-quick scheme?

Here’s what we know. Diba, who is married to a dentist, bought a practice in June of 2007. Billing himself as an endodontist, or root canal specialist, an internet search for Paul turns up his office advertisement complete with reviews and a LinkedIn professional profile. One glowing review came from a “Paul D.” (Way to cover your tracks Paul.) He came to the attention of the authorities after several patients lodged complaints. One woman stated Diba had to drill 3 teeth before he found the correct one. This really begs the question of how this whole ruse began.

The Maven, being The Maven, has come up with what she feels are 2 possible theories.

Theory 1 (Goading)

Diba had been unemployed and was tired of constant heckling by his wife. It may have gone something like this: “Paul, why you no have zhjob?” (in The Maven’s mind, both Diba and wife speak with accents) “Your butt making large eempression een couch. You are laughing es-stock weez friends. I bring home bacon and you living high on hog. Big eh-house, Mercedes, Armani es-suits. Enough! Maamaan was right. You good for nuszing. I work es-so hard. Dentistry very demanding. You could never do my zhjob. You es-sit on couch every day, zen hookah bar at night. You are lazy cow.

OR

Theory 2 (Inferiority Complex).

Diba had a low paying job and felt like a kept man. He was paranoid that his friends were talking behind his back and saying he freeloaded off of his wife. Feeling stripped of his manhood, his ego ultimately took over. Diba: “I am es-smarter dan wyife and I es-should be doctor. Es-she is zhjust woman. If wyife ees dentist, can’t be hard. Not only I weel be dentist, I weel be ENDODONTIST! I weel be bigger deal. Make more money. Right after hookah bar tonight - I find practice to buy!

Seriously, some weird psychology was at work here. And don’t tell me his wife didn’t know about it. In fact, information from the Nassau County DA’s office tells us that ol’ Diba spent a night in the slammer before someone posted the $2500 bond for his release. That kernel of knowledge was deeply satisfying for The Maven. And let me nip this one in the bud for anyone out there ready to invoke the “innocent until proven guilty” crap. Either you HAVE a license to practice dentistry or you DON’T. Diba doesn’t. Period.

The Maven spoke with Mr. Joseph Macy, Diba’s attorney, to inquire as to whether his client had a license to practice dentistry anywhere. Mr. Macy politely invoked attorney-client-privilege and declined to answer that question.

If you ever, EVER, want to confirm that a dentist is licensed in your state, simply call your State’s Dental Board and ask. A list of all States and links to their respective boards are here.

The Dental Maven would like to thank Mr. Joseph Macy as well as members of the Nassau County DA’s office and the Nassau County Probation Department for their help and professionalism. (You know who you are.)

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time...

A German tax inspector turned Circus performer had two teeth replaced with a 40,000 year old mammoth tusk. Hannibal Helmurto, who performs in the UK’s Circus of Horrors had the tusk implanted because he couldn’t bear to part from it during his divorce.

When dividing up the spoils of his marital union, the issue of the mammoth tusk needed to be resolved. Helmurto reportedly purchased the tusk in 1993. And Hannibal luuved him some tusk. He’s said he could lose all his earthly possessions but he “couldn’t bear to part with his mammoth tusk.” (no word as to whether his ex-wife luved her some tusk too) Without a doubt, divorce can make people behave unpredictably. But, when one of the parties is, maybe a few sandwiches short of a picnic, hoo boy.

The Maven has searched the internet for photo’s or x-rays of Hannibal’s mammoth, um, implants. Nothing turns up. (although the google search “mammoth implants” yielded some interesting hits) And how big are these tusks anyway? Cause, the mammoth, now that’s a big freakin’ animal! And what about the biocompatibility of tusks? Does Hannibal have to take anti-rejection drugs? What about phonetics? Can he say his fricatives and sibilant sounds without drenching the room with saliva? And who the hell is the dentist that went along with this? What’s he calling himself, a Paleodontologist?

Once again, The Maven turned to the power of her dental imaging software. This is what Helmurto likely looks like with his new mammoth grill:

Okay, so – oral hygiene? How the heck do you do that? Does he cue up at the carwash every morning and get the spinbrush goin'? Gets his undercarriage wash at the same time? Where’s he get his floss? Yacht Supply Depot?

Fool. What in Sam hill was he thinking when he did this? And the dentist who was complicit in this hair-brained exercise should be stripped of his license. Bad enough Hannibal was already a freaknik. Now he’s got this, um, oral, uh, handicap to live with. Hey! Dr. Doolittle -- remember this one? “First do no harm?” Dunderhead. Pfffft.

Never Run (Or Floss) With Scissors

The Maven, like most dentists, has seen her share of crazy oral events. Teeth are often viewed as a third hand with Swiss Army knife capabilities. Stories of beer bottle openings, cork extractions, dorito bag openings and shoelace untying are common. Then, you also have your DIY dentistry types who re-cement their caps and veneers with crazy glue, solder their partial dentures back together and some brave souls who extract their own teeth. Anyone who tells you the American “can-do” spirit is gone, has never worked in a dental office.

But, sometimes that homespun attitude can get you into some real trouble. Misfortune that can go beyond the dental chair. Take, for instance, Kong Lin of China. Recently, Kong was at dinner with some friends when he was overcome with the urge to tend to his oral hygiene. Without access to floss, Kong opted for an easily accessible pair of 4 inch scissors to preen his teeth. There’s no word in the press as to whether Lin is arthritic or otherwise compromised, but it seems when one of his buddies cracked a joke Lin laughed and wound up with the scissors lodged in his esophagus.

The Maven has struggled with the imagery of just how this happened. What area of his mouth was Lin accessing when this occurred? And what the hell was he eating that was so tenaciously lodged as to require a 4 inch pair of scissors?? Don’t they have those little sugar and sugar substitute packets that most diners use in floss emergency situations - in China? I mean, Holy Hannah!!

Well, the good news is Lin is fine after 30 minutes of emergency surgery to remove the scissors from his esophagus. But let that be a lesson to all of you would-be dental improvisers out there! If it's metal, it better be a fork or a spoon. Ya’ll go stickin’ metal stuff in your mouth like your some kind of damn professional – you’re askin’ for trouble! And Kong – I got two words for you: Johnson & Johnson! (强生公司!)

Welcome To The Jungle

A seal in need of medical and dental care was recently rescued by the Whale Center of New England in Massachusetts. In addition to medical problems, the seal was found to have several broken front teeth. Untreated, the teeth could abscess, causing pain and even death.

The report claims that both upper canines and one upper incisor were removed. It goes on to say that the seal received antibiotics, recovered well and has recently been released.

Conspicuously absent from the report was any word about any replacements for the removed teeth. And I’ll bet I know why. Lousy insurance. Yup, the poor guy probably had one of those crappy plans that covers only cleanings and fillings. Now, that’s not to say he ought to have had dental implants but c’mon, at least a removable denture, for crying out loud!

The Maven has seen these ridiculous insurance plans that won’t cover crowns, root canals or dentures. So what does that mean? If the tooth can’t be filled or needs a root canal, game over. The only recourse is removal with no replacement!

According to the American Academy of Cosmetic Dentistry virtually all Americans believe a smile is an important social asset, 96% of adults believe an attractive smile makes a person more appealing to the opposite sex and 74% believe an unattractive smile can hurt a person’s chances for career success.

So where does that leave our poor seal? Seems to me he’s destined for a lonely life with few occupational options. When he gets back to the hood (did I mention he’s a “Hooded Seal?") his homies are gonna be all, “DUDE! What’s up with your grill?” and “Bro, your face is jacked!” or “Dawg! How come yo smile’s all ghetto? ”

The animal kingdom doesn’t turn a blind eye to physical deformities. (consider what they did to that poor, nasally challenged reindeer named Rudolf) Our unemployed, loveless seal is destined for a lifetime of ridicule from his peers. Breaks my heart just thinking about it!

So beware of dental plans behaving as saviors. Remember: Insurance is like a hospital gown – you only think you’re covered.

"Dirty, Rotten Teeth Bank Robber" Captured!

Here’s an update from The Dental Maven's last post:

Alan Weller, 47 of Pompano Beach, Florida was apprehended Wednesday, shortly after robbing another bank. No doubt, The Maven’s post was instrumental in identifying and locating this thug. (John Walsh is certain to be calling The Dental Maven to enlist her help in future cases.)

According to the Miami Herald, Weller was “arrested after knocking over a Wachovia on Federal Highway.” It’s likely a misprint and should have read: Weller was arrested after his fetid breath knocked over a teller at the Wachovia on Federal Highway. Seeing the teller unresponsive, Weller hastened to make a quick get-away, only to be nabbed by police.

It’s reported Weller was in good spirits after hearing that his incarceration included dental benefits. According to the State of Florida Department of Corrections website the department provides “comprehensive medical, dental, mental health, and pharmaceutical services.” Giddy over the prospect of a new grill, Weller is obviously unaware of the conditions and restrictions of prison dentistry.

The Dental Maven spoke with Dr. Thomas Shields, Directory of Dental Services in the Florida Department of Corrections who was kind enough to supply the following information:

The Correctional System does not perform any “cosmetic” dental procedures, so bleaching and veneers are out. Implants are done only in very rare situations. Root canals can be done but the inmate needs to pay all lab bills associated with crowns (caps) and removable dentures. Prisoners are entitled to only one dental cleaning per year.

Furthermore:

Dental care will be rendered ONLY if the inmate can demonstrate a 90% or greater plaque free score for 2 consecutive months.

Inmates who have 3 no shows in a six month period may be disqualified from any treatment other than life threatening dental problems.

What? No shows? How the heck do you not show for a FREE dental appointment located in prison when you’re, uh, IN PRISON? That makes no damn sense! What could you possibly be doing that keeps you from the appointment? While Dr. Shields assured The Maven that this is indeed a common problem he said there didn’t seem to be one dominant excuse.

The Maven will tell you the problem here. Stupidity. Anyone who fails to show for a free dental ride, funded by the taxpayer, has got to be stupid. And as the saying goes, everyone’s entitled to be stupid, some people abuse the privilege.

(The Dental Maven would like to thank Dr. Thomas Shields of the Florida Dept. of Corrections for sharing his insight on prison dental care)