Sunday, May 31, 2009

Texas Grillin’

Houston, we have a problem.

Seems our Texas amigos are having a little trouble with their Hip Hop lexicon.

So, when The Maven saw the report on kiiiTV from south Texas describing a car jacker – well, let’s just say She wasn’t surprised. The report stated: The suspect is described as a black male... in his mid-twenties, approximately 5'7" tall, 175 lbs, with gold dental work or "grille". anyone with information...

So, how do we break it to our Texas padnuhs, that “grill” is not spelled “grille?”

I guess we should expect that the BBQ capital of the world might mix that one up. Texans must think anything that sounds like “grill,” and has nothing to do with BBQ’d cow or pig, has to be spelled differently. So, for clarity, they added an “e” which, HELLO TEXAS!, is related to a freaking automobile!!! Glory! Y’all are killing me here. And on your local television station, no less.

Do we need a Texas Tutorial? Okay, okay.

Grill; noun “one’s teeth, or smile”

Grillz; noun, “caps or fitting worn over ones teeth, either on top, bottom, or both. To be mostly made out of gold, silver, diamond, or platinum”

Grille; noun, A grille (French word from Latin craticula, small grill) is an opening of several slits side by side in a wall or metal sheet or other barrier, usually to let air or water enter and/or leave but keep larger objects including people and animals in or out. In automotive engineering, a grille covers an opening in the body of a vehicle to allow air to enter.

So, how to explain this?…um, okay, it’s like the words…uh… rheumy and roomy. Rheumy means “having a watery discharge of mucus” and roomy means “lots of space.” Alright, not so good. Okay, let’s try ewes and youse! Yeah! So, ewes means “many female sheep” and youse is the plural of you in New Jersey! Homonyms. Does that help, Texas? Oh, PLEASE! For the love of…oh just forget it!

Seriously, Texas, you’re embarrassing yourselves here. Can you come up to speed on this one? I know y’all pride yourselves on being that “Whole ‘nother country” and all, but do you have to remain in a whole ‘nother century as well? The word "grill" has been in popular use since, well, since Ann Richards was Governor, for crying out loud!

Next time you decide to use a word that you’re unfamiliar with? Get yerself a life line, or phone a friend, or SOMETHING! You could even consider giving The Maven a holla.

The Maven would like to clarify not all Texans are in the urban dark, especially not Her bloggin' homies who certainly know the difference.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Potty Mouth!

As the daughter of two New Yorkers, The Maven knows Big Apple denizens tend to be fast talkin’, fast walkin’ individuals who leave the final “r” off words ending with that consonant. Recently, The Maven learned that the NY need for speed doesn’t necessarily translate to other body movements.

Take for instance the Mets fan who got her arm stuck in a public toilet at Citi Field, the new Mets stadium. According to news reports, the fan dropped her gold tooth and attempted to make a save but wasn’t quick enough and it turned out to be a sinker. Despite being in foul territory, she decided to go in after it, ultimately lodging her arm in the toilet.

Let’s back up a bit. Anybody else wonder how the heck that tooth fell out of her mouth and into a public toilet? Was she just so happy to see the toilet after 3 beers and a chili dog that she was grinning from ear to ear and her tooth popped out?

And, my dear? What were you planning to do with the tooth once you retrieved it? Give it a little rinse and then stick it back in your mouth so your grill checks out when you go back to your friends? Girl, what on earth were you thinking? Let me tell you something---public toilets? They’re like Vegas, what happens there---STAYS THERE. Mkay?

Actually, this might be a good time to review a little toilet morphology. For those of you who have never cruised the toilet aisle at the Home Depot? The commode doesn’t just have a straight tube exiting the bowl. It’s got some major hair pin turns goin’ on which are not conducive to digital exploration.

Anywho. Our poor Mets fan, realizing her predicament, began yelling for help. Can you imagine the entreaties emanating from the bathroom?

“Help me! I’m stuck in here! Can anybody hear me?! I can’t get my arm out of this thing!”

Y’know, if I’m in New York and I hear that coming out of a lavatory? Ten to one I’m gonna keep walking. This is New York, man. Gotta have your street smarts on.

So after an undisclosed period of time, security showed up with emergency medical responders. Neither of which were able to free Sister Golden Tooth. True to form, since the Mets were losing to the Atlanta Braves, NY fans abandoned the game to follow the “off-field action” near section 338.

Ultimately, a worker from Cardoza Plumbing was rushed to the scene. It’s reported Cardoza Plumbing installed all 646 (ultra-low-flow) toilets at the new stadium. The woman was eventually freed but her gold tooth was not recovered. No word on the ill-fated commode.

The Maven applauds all reasonable efforts to save teeth. That said, you’ve gotta know when to cut your losses. Sometimes, the price paid in effort and resources is just too steep.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

A Mommy Meme!

HoneyPieHorse over at Our Feet Are The Same tagged The Maven with a Motherhood Meme. The “memer” is charged with listing five things they enjoy about motherhood and then list 5 other moms to do likewise. It’s harder than The Maven thought to select only 5 things and She’s never found words which can adequately capture the love a parent feels for their child.

Anyway, here goes:

1. I love that everything my child does interests me. I never tire of watching him, no matter what he’s doing. When he was an infant I remember thinking, “you can’t even talk and you’re the most interesting person I’ve ever met.”
2. I love that motherhood made us a family. Doing things together as a family is the coolest thing I know.
3. I love that having a child brings you places you might never have gone and you do things you never would have done – and you enjoy it. (Like sitting on a freezing cold bench in an ice hockey rink at 6:30 am on a Saturday morning and the lazy children who run Starbucks hadn’t opened the store yet and I’m freezing my a** off.)

4. I love that I get to watch my husband be a dad.
5. I love the intensity of the love I have for my child and that I can’t for the life of me stay angry at him, for anything. But the husband? Oh that’s entirely different. I can get a good mad going on, and it can last for HOURS. But if I get mad at my son, moments later, poof! Gone!

Here’s five mom bloggers that I tag with the Motherhood Meme. Each has their own unique take on life and motherhood. They’re funny, smart and entertaining and they keep me coming back for more.

FoN over at Kids and Daiquiris
Jen over at Sprites Keeper
Becky over at Suburban Matron
Smart A$$ Mom over in New Joysey
Candy over at Candy’s Daily Dandy

My apologies if you’ve already been tagged!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Side Effects of Hewnt And Bewnt

The story of an Indian man who hasn’t bathed or brushed his teeth in 35 years was reported by The French news agency AFP, (Agence France-Presse). It seems a “seer” once told Kalau Singh that if he didn’t bathe he would be blessed with a male child. Kalau, 63, replaces bathing and brushing by taking a “fire bath” every evening. This consists of standing on one leg next to a bonfire while praying and smoking marijuana.

Mr. Singh, with all do respect to your “seer,” this is how The Maven sees it:

Birth Control Pill...................... 92-99.7% effective
Condoms................................... 75-85% effective
Diaphragm ................................80-94% effective
Sterilization ................................99% effective
No Bathing/Toothbrushing........ 100% effective

There’s no high brow pharmacology or physiology involved in this one. However, here are some terms which likely apply: fusty, rancid, nidorous, halitotic, feculent, and probably putrescent. In other words dude, you are coming to the stinking! You’ve gotta be in full blown hewnt and bewnt (total body hewnt). Notwithstanding your nightly ganja toking, stanky leg dancing, fire bath exercise, no one’s gonna want to get near you let alone, well, you know! Wake up and smell the hewnt, man.

Poor guy. And what kind of spiritual advisor tells you to stop bathing? Couldn’t he suggest some of that feng shui stuff? Or aromatherapy? Or Tai Chi?

Curious, isn’t it, that the French news would pick this story up? Because according to an LA Times poll, more than half of French adults don’t bathe or shower daily. The Denver Post reports that 40% of French men and 25% of French women don’t change their underwear daily and the Economist reports that 1 million French citizens NEVER brush their teeth.

Differences also exist in the dental care delivery systems of the US and France. The Maven treats an American couple who live in France. I asked them why they return to the States for their dental checkups. They explained they’d tried to get their teeth cleaned while overseas. Apparently, the dentist just gave a quick look in their mouth and announced: “your teese, zay look fine! Zare is no need for za cleaning.” The Maven thought this might be an exaggeration until she found this blog post affirming her patient’s claims.

The real question is how this article ever got placed in the French press. Can’t imagine there’s great interest in such a story there. Kinda like trying to sell sand on a desert. Could’a been a young American editor, still wet behind the ears, working at the Agence France-Presse. If that’s the case, he’s likely filling out his unemployment application right now.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Remember When Anybody Could Afford To Buy A Toothbrush?

How the heck did tooth whitening products and those pricey electric toothbrushes from Oral B and Sonicare wind up “behind the counter” in the restricted company of cigarettes, pseudoephedrine and Nicoderm?

Apparently the high end oral product line has gone the way of illicit drugs. Some pharmacies now refuse to even stock these items due to the risk of theft. From Canada to Florida large scale heists are occurring with the haul being sold on the black market. It’s likely that, as these products become more potent, we’ll see an escalation in crime with cartel formation, global trafficking and possibly sex trade. A “Betty Ford Bleaching Clinic” is certainly not far in the offing.

The dental profession should have seen this one coming. Across the country, dental offices are seeing the sad, insidious transformation from bleaching patient to “bleaching addict,” or “bleachoholic.” Some are “functional bleachoholics.” Others are chronic bleachers, who become secretive, withdrawn and
ultimately end up living under a bridge.

Here’s The Maven’s theory as to how this problem evolved:

Drug dealers became tired of the problems attendant to their, um, er, profession. Its good money but working in dangerous parts of town and dealing with a hardened, ill-mannered clientele can get under the skin of even the most seasoned professional. Hours are demanding, shipping and bookkeeping are consuming and cell phones are constantly buzzing with text messages. “Burnout,” if you will, has to be a common phenomenon and retention of qualified individuals a constant plague.

It’s likely the professional organization for this group, “International Drug Dealers in Organized Trade” or IDDIOT’s, met and decided the future of drug dealing would lie in a paradigm shift. Movement to a new product line. This change would ensure a classier, more tony group of clientele. Lower overhead, better venues and better hours. Because, honestly? Even with the most intractable bleaching addict, 3 A.M. emergencies just don’t happen.

Here’s how it goes down:

High end dental products are stolen from a drug store. They’re then sold on Ebay, at flea markets or just out of your idyllic suburban home – (once you’ve established yourself as a dealer of course.) 100% profit. And think of the user demographics. Consumers of electric toothbrushes and bleaching strips just scream UPPER CRUST—don’t they? And, seriously? How many people show up to buy a toothbrush packin’ a gun?

Admittedly the current drug dealer lexicon will need some modifications. For instance, “Candyman” is just not gonna work in an oral hygiene conscientious environment. And “Crack Spot,” currently defined as an area where people can go to buy crack—let’s change that to “Blister Pack Spot.” Newly defined as the area to buy those frustrating overly packaged, need-a-band-saw-to-open electric toothbrush plastic packs. And “Pill Houses?” No brainer. That’ll be “Grill Houses.”

Life just continues to get complicated, doesn’t it? Soon we’ll be showing a valid ID just to buy a freaking toothbrush. We’ll all be looking back and getting misty over the time when you could still buy bleaching products without a retinal scan. As ever, we'll wind up paying the price for a small group of jerks who decide to cheat and steal for a living. Sad.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

T(ooth)-Pain and Busted Grillz

Singer/Producer T-Pain lost 4 teeth as a result of what’s been referred to as a “freak golf cart accident.” Pain confirmed in an interview that he flipped the golf cart while back stage in Texas.

A golf cart’s maximum speed is what? 25 mph? And four teeth? Now, that seems pretty serious. And, what exactly is a “freak golf cart accident?” The Maven was under the impression that a “freak accident” is one in which the victim was not likely involved in the cause of the accident. Oh!! I get it. We’re using the Urban Dictionary definition of “freak accident.” That makes perfect sense. Because that definition reads: “Something that happens that is so incomprehensible that only a freak could have it happen to them.”

A golf cart accident that results in the loss of four teeth. Hmmm…The Maven hadda look into that. And whaddya know? Golf cart accidents are on the rise! In point of fact, nearly 1000 stupid inebriated American’s are injured in such accidents each MONTH. The demographics show us that fractures and head trauma are the most common injuries and the highest injury rates are found in BOYS aged 10 to 19 and MEN older than 80. (T-Pain is 23—late bloomer)

Now that’s interesting. Why would males be more likely to be involved in such an accident? Aren’t males better drivers – like men are always insisting saying? And, I’m gonna go out on a limb here, but could alcohol could be a factor?

According to research published in The American Journal of Preventative Medicine (July 2008), falls from golf carts and vehicle roll-overs are the leading causes of golf cart injuries. No word in the press about what antics T-Pain may have been engaged in when he rolled his ride.

In an interview a few days after the accident Pain said: “My a** is on fire right now. My side hurt, my mouth hurt. I bust my a**. I’d show you the marks, but I don’t wanna pull my pants down right now. I got my teeth fixed the same day. Rich n***a teeth.”

Uh, thanks for that information T. I’m not really sure what your keister has to do with your mouth, but, okay. The Maven deals with Burning Mouth Syndrome (BMS) with regularity, but Burning A** Syndrome? That’s a new one. I suppose they could be related. In that case, here’s a few things we do for BMS that you could try on that arse of yours: Apply some ice chips to the affected area, or you could use capsaicin. That’s the pain reliever made out of hot chili peppers. Make sure you don’t have a fungal infection since that's a common cause of BMS. If you wear dentures, make sure you take them out at night and clean them properly. If your symptoms persist, seek medical attention.

Pain, I’m sure you think it’s all good now that you got your new grill. But screwing around on that golf cart was a stupid thing to do. I don’t have to tell you it could have been much worse. You might consider pimping out your cart with some safety features, like seatbelts, an airbag, anti-lock brakes and a roll bar. Because no matter how great the dentistry is that replaced your four fronts, they’ll never be as good as your originals.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

You Mean "Oven and Grill" Cleaner Won't Whiten My Teeth?

What words do you suppose people type in to find The Dental Maven’s Blog? You’d probably guess the following: teeth, tooth ache, implants, white fillings, etc. And, for the most part, you’d be right. But recently a string of words caught The Maven’s eye. Here they are: "file down my own tooth crown metal file."

Hooo boy. That’s about as subtle as a hand grenade in a feed bin. Clearly this person missed my post about that dude in China who swallowed a pair of scissors while picking the Mu Shu Pork out of his molars.

But, this interests The Maven. Actually, all DIY dentistry interests The Maven. When a non-dentist files down his own tooth or crown (cap), how does he know exactly where to file? And, metal files are fairly, uh, nonspecific aren’t they? They don’t exactly allow for pinpoint accuracy. So how does the, uhm, “operator,” perform this task? Just flatten’s out the top of the tooth? Mows the thing clear down figuring the elusive high spot is in there SOMEWHERE?

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

I guess that’s not as bad as the dude from the UK who pulled out 13 of his teeth. He resorted to his own plyers because the NHS socialized dentistry program is so crappy he couldn’t find a dentist to do it for him. It’s reported in England that as many as 3 million people have attempted some form of DIY dentistry. To put that in perspective – that’s nearly one of every ten British citizens. The UK findings state that 12% of the DIY’ers have tried to remove a tooth by tying a piece of string to a door handle - (pure genius), some 30% tried to whiten their teeth with household cleaning products, 19% tried popping an ulcer with a pin, and 11% tried using Elmer’s to recement a crown.

The UK even has citizens who make their own replacements for missing teeth. Yup. The British Dental Journal's site reports a woman who made herself a partial denture out of cardboard and foil. Could somebody PLEASE explain to me why the Brits get all worked up when Americans poke fun at their teeth? Seems to me they could bloody well learn WHY we do that if they’d just take a dang moment to read their own press. Give Over!

So listen up internet pal with the IP address from a major East Coast News Paper, searching for info about filing down your tooth (AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE). Stop getting your dental work done in your garage! Find yourself a dentist and have your teeth properly cared for! Pffft.