thebostonchannel.com. The piece was entitled: “Warning Signs of a Cheating Heart.” Written to educate the reader who lives in “denial,” the missive lists and expands on potential signs of a cheater. In order of appearance, these signs are:
2. Computer Usage
4. Cell Phone Anomalies
5. Your Suspicions
The section on Grooming begins with the question, “Has your significant others Hygiene suddenly improved?” Seriously? Wouldn’t the antecedent question be “Has your significant others hygiene gone off the frickin cliff? Cuz, let’s face it, long before you get to “improvement” it had to suck, right? And who’s gonna put up with that? If you smell nasty or you’ve got that “I’ve been helping Mike Rowe out on Dirty Jobs” look to you? YOUR FILE HAS BEEN DELETED.
The article goes on: “Maybe you've noticed that your husband brushes his teeth every day now…” Oh GREAT! Now the dudes brushing his teeth daily? As opposed to what? Monthly? Tell you what, dude comes in looking like the Howling with breath all smelling like a dumpster in July? DELETE.
It continues: “Ladies, haven't you wondered why your husband's breath smells like pig urine when he kisses you on the cheek before leaving for work, but smells like he's eaten a package of Altoids when he gets home?” This one floored The Maven. After 20 odd years of practicing dentistry The Mave has got some skills when it comes to sniffing out dental issues, if you get my drift. But if there’s a woman out there who can discern the urine of a pig as opposed to any other animal? Well, now that there is a special skill. –and my hats off to you. But if you’re investing that much of your time in the pan-species urine analysis business, well, you might be limited in your dating options anyway, so best sit tight and not worry the details.
So here’s some inter-personal relationship advice from The Maven: If your significant others hygiene is starting to slack, or was never quite up to par? Cut that one off at the knees. Shape up or ship out. Follow this simple rule and you’ll likely never need the “Warning Signs of a Cheating Heart” advice.