Caution: No Dental Content Here Today

Due to a flurry of both business and pleasure travel, The Maven has been shirking her blogging responsibilities. The business travel involved Orlando and Boston, (Candy-I was stuck in meetings all day or else I’d have insisted we meet for drinks). The pleasure travel was, believe it or not, in Detroit. The Mavens' son and his Mite A hockey team qualified for the Silver Sticks International Finals. In case you don’t follow hockey, Silver Sticks is the Mite A (ages 7-8) equivalent of the Stanley Cup. In fact, the winners get their team name in the Hockey Hall of Fame in Canada. It’s a BIG DEAL.

The Maven missed the first game cuz she was enroute from Orlando at that time. She won’t bore you with the ugly details about how The Maven narrowly missed her connecting flight in the Philly airport where she ran a mile in 3 inch heels toting a carry-on bag whose shoulder strap broke during said sprint, all while sporting a big winter coat which caused very unladylike schvitzing.


Anyhoo…

Upon arrival to Detroit, The Maven received a text from her husband saying the team had tied the first game. This meant if we lost either of the next two games, we’d be heading home early. The Maven arrived with plenty of time for the next game and greeted her son who she’d not seen in 3 days. After hugs and kisses The Mavens son stood back and said, “Mom, your hair is jacked up.” (Nice.)

After some major league cheering and hand-bruising-glass-banging our team won the game, decisively. They went on to win the next game on Saturday morning which put them in the quarter finals. Long story short, we made it to the finals….against a Canadian team, the Nationals from London, Ontario.

The game was a nail biter and was tied up with 2 apiece in the final minute of the 3rd period. All us hockey mom’s were hunkering down for overtime when, suddenly, with 3 seconds left to play, the Nationals scored. Ugggghhh. What a heartbreaker. Our little guys were crushed.

The awards ceremony presented our team with an enormous trophy. But, you could have told these kids that second place winners were each entitled to a lifetime of unlimited video games, had no school for the next month and a million dollars each and they still would have looked defeated. So disappointing.

The Canadian parents, however, couldn’t have been nicer. They came over and said our team represented the best competition their team faced in the tournament. In a conversation heavily sprinkled with “eh’s” they admitted the game could have gone either way. Those Canadians were a class act.

The name Joe Beninati is a name you’ll likely recognize if you follow hockey. He’s a frequent announcer for the NHL games and the Stanley Cup Finals. Here’s what he and Craig Laughlin (Locker) had to say about our Montgomery Mite A Blue Devils:

(the coverage on the Mite A’s begins at around 18 seconds)

I'm Not Drunk, But I Have Been Brushing My Teeth

Massachusetts State Senator Anthony Galluccio resigned his senate seat after several run-ins with the law concerning a number of alcohol related incidents. The senator recently tried to blame the combination of toothpastes he was using for failing a breathalyzer test.


Last October, following a number of DUI incidents, Galluccio was apprehended after fleeing the scene of a fender-bender which left a father and son injured. A judge ordered the Senator to surrender his driver’s license for 5 years as well as submit to random breath tests during his probationary period. Breath equipment was installed in his residence and he was sentenced to home confinement. Only three days after his sentencing, Galluccio failed the breathalyzer test. In a statement the Senator said, "After discussing it with a physician, we have determined that it is the result of my using two toothpastes - Colgate Total Whitening and Sensodyne toothpaste, both of which contain sorbitol."

Okay, Senator Oral Hygiene.

Could you give me the name of that “physician,” Senator? Cuz The Maven’s gotta look him up. The “Doc” who helped you craft this fairy tale needs to review his organic chemistry. Yes, Sorbitol is a sugar alcohol, but it isn’t volatile like ethyl alcohol. A breathalyzer registers your BAC (blood alcohol content) when the alcohol in your bloodstream passes through your lungs and is exhaled due to its’ property of volatility. Sorbitol, on the other hand, has a negligible volatility and is not exhaled through the lungs. It can’t cause false positives on a breathalyzer. Period.

Now, if you were using one of the following dentifrices, perhaps, just maybe, you could get the breathalyzer to give you a positive reading:

Arm & Hammered Toothpaste

 (for that Fresh from the Tavern feeling of Clean)

Pearl Schnapps

(See the Moonshine, Feel the Buzz)

Colgate Totaled

(Number 1 Recommended by Drunkards)

Had you opted for the mouthwash claim you might have gotten some minor traction, as many rinses do contain alcohol. But you and your “physician” went with the urban myth about toothpaste. Dumb move. Next time you try to weasel your way out of a legal hot-spot with a chemical defense? Get yourself some competent advice from someone who knows their hydrocarbons and derivatives.

Yet Another Explanation for British Teeth

A swanky restaurant in London, England, recently had their customers signing waivers to eat dessert. The restaurant “High Timber” boasts on its website that it’s located “100 yards from the…Millennium Bridge, a brief walk from St. Paul’s Cathedral and the London Stock exchange,” and the “only restaurant in city of London with tables on the banks of the Thames.” It further claims to have the best views of any restaurant in the UK.

Well, then.

The dessert requiring the waiver is the classic Christmas Pudding which includes an English tradition of placing coins or trinkets within the batter which can be kept by the person whose serving included it. High Timber restaurant co-owner, Neleen Strauss, explained: "We're based in the City so a lot of my customers are lawyers and they suggested it. It is a bit crazy but I decided to take their advice." Guess Neleen’s eyes must have been locked on her coveted Thames view and therefore missed the huge LUMP in the lawyers cheek formed by his tongue.

The waiver reads: "I absolve entirely High Timber from all blame or liability should I come to any harm including, but not limited to, a chipped tooth, or any injury as a result of swallowing it."

That’s it? How many Pounds Sterling did you shell out to the barrister who crafted that legal waiver for you, Neleen? Yup, looks pretty iron-clad to me. You’re one smart lass, you are.

And what’s the deal with you Brits causing insult to injury by hiding those tooth-busting metal trinkets in your pudding, anyway? Hope ya’ll are current on your Heimlich maneuver instruction. By the time dessert rolls around most adults are already headlong into the brandy and reaction times are slightly dulled. No wonder the British dentition is in the state it’s in. And would this explain the restaurant owners’ rather subdued grins on the website?

Y’all poke fun at us Americans but you don’t see us sabotaging the shortcake. Can’t you come up with a more contemporary idea? How ‘bout this: ever hear of the “McDonalds Happy Meal?” It’s called the “Happy Meal” because:  there’s no waiver required, there’s no choking hazard, nobody ends up with a busted-out grill and the “prize” is immediately visible when the bag is opened--- not HIDDEN in the sandwich! Brilliant, isn’t it? Yup, everybody’s Happy.

But, if you’re just looking for some quick and easy publicity for your high-brow restaurant? And it’s not really about the tooth-busting-trinkets? Well, yeah, then I guess the pudding waiver isn’t such a bad idea.