Xtra Care...NOT Xtra Teeth!

A man from Queens NY is filing a lawsuit against Cadbury Adams, the makers of Trident Xtra Care gum.  Joshua Hirsch claims he wouldn’t have bought the gum if it he’d known it wouldn’t “rebuild his teeth.”  Apparently, he’s pissed that his jacked up, barnacle encrusted grill didn’t magically morph into a perfect  “American Standard Toilet Bowl White” Hollywood smile and now, (Dammit!)  he’s going to have to go to a dentist.  Well!  I never!

According to court documents, Josh bought Trident Xtra Care in 2009 and 2010, believing it would repair chips and decay in his teeth.  Hirsch’s attorney Jerome Noll, states: "Cadbury preyed on this increased consumer desire for products promising healthier teeth between dental visits."  The lawsuit claims unspecified damages for breach of contract, breach of warranty and unjust enrichment.

Unless you’re some kinda crack head, you’re not gonna believe that a stick of gum is gonna rebuild an entire tooth. That’s like thinking that eating a bowl of Wheaties will make you into an Olympic champion, or that serving your cat some Meow Mix is going to incite the little kitty to “ask for it by name.”

Where the heck did all these knuckleheads come from?  And we’re constantly creating laws to keep these idiots from injuring themselves.  Labeling issues have become an easy way for people to sue large companies for big payouts.  Wouldn’t it be more expedient if we had a test to determine stupidity and then pass a law prohibiting blockheads from buying or using anything without assistance?

Here’s the legal fruit borne from years of morons (along with their attorneys) and their dimwitted antics:

(the following are from:  “The Warning Label Book” by Green, Dierckins and Nyberg.)

• §   A smoke detector which warns: "Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire."
• §   A Batman Halloween costume with the warning "cape does not enable wearer to fly."
• §   A butane lighter with the helpful hint that "Flame may cause fire.”
• §  An advisory notice in public restrooms: "Do not eat the urinal cakes."
• §   A car windshield cover with the warning "Never drive with the cover on your windshield."

Josh?  The Mave’s a little concerned for your safety.  Teeth can be sharp, and you could wind up hurting yourself with them. Plus, they’re a maintenance issue and you clearly don’t buy into the prevention program.  How ‘bout we settle this case for 4 grand….pull ‘em all out and give you some nice dentures.  That oughta’ keep you safe and out of trouble. (but remember:  dentures are a choking hazard and may be harmful if swallowed)

***Some restrictions apply. Void where prohibited. Apply only to affected area. Avoid contact with skin. No other warranty expressed or implied.  May be too intense for some viewers.  For off road use only. Your mileage may vary. Hand wash only, tumble dry, low heat. Action figures sold separately. Many suitcases look alike. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Product may contain nuts. First pull up, then pull down. Driver does not carry cash.

The Rules Apply to Everyone

As everyone knows, the latest wreck in Mel Gibson’s life is the explosive end to his relationship with Oksana Grigorieva. And wherever there’s a Hollywood domestic violence claim, there’s a medical professional involved. Introducing  Dr. Sheldon Ross, Grigorieva's dentist.  He treated Oksana back in January after an alleged physical altercation with Gibson.  In addition to side-stepping an inconvenient California law, Ross offered his personal assessment of Oksana's dental injuries. His actions now place him knee-deep in the Gibson saga. 

From what The Maven can gather, Dr. Ross is a board certified general dentist with no additional training in forensic odontology. Why he’d offer his two cents on how Oksana might have sustained the dental trauma she presented with, is beyond The Maven.  That. Was. Stupid.  To compound matters, it’s reported that Oksana told Dr. Ross that Mel hit her.  Additionally, sources indicate that Ross documented a bruise to the patients left temple in his records. (see Oksana’s busted-up grill here)

California Law requires health practitioners to file a police report when they have reason to suspect “assault or abusive conduct against a spouse or cohabitant.” The practitioner must file a report as soon as possible and a written report is required within two days.  The patients’ consent is not required and failure to report is considered a misdemeanor crime.

So, Doc Ross now finds himself in the eye of the storm. He’s offered opinions on how Oksana’s veneer could have popped off by getting clocked on the temple, and neglected to file a police report on domestic violence. At a minimum, his dental license will be under review by the California State Dental Board.  He risks disciplinary action or license suspension.  Then, legally he has the misdemeanor to contend with. And, if he’s ever called to the witness stand, he’ll be completely dismantled by defense attorneys when they ask him about his “expert” opinion on how that veneer came off.

In legal matters, isn’t rule number one:  Never guess at an answer--especially when it’s outside of your expertise? Without specific training in forensic odontology, all Ross can do is speculate about Oksana’s missing veneer. How foolish.  And why wasn’t an abuse report filed?  Was it because Mel Gibson is involved? 

Deviating from treatment that is the established standard of care often has consequences.   All healthcare professionals should learn the lessons of Dr. Conrad Murray (Michael Jackson’s personal physician).  It appears Dr. Ross prefers to learn from his own mistakes.

"The Tragic or the Humorous is a Matter of Perspective" --Arnold Beisser

The Maven received the following graphic from a friend who is a medical doctor.    Her only comment was the following:  

 "You people are disgusting."

Always good to look at things through other peoples eyes.

  

Grosse Corvette, p’tite quéquette

Just as the saying goes:  “it’s 5 o’clock somewhere”….there’s always a hockey tournament somewhere too.  Last week One Hockey hosted their annual summer tournament in Philadelphia and The Mave’s sons' team was there.  It’s a 4 day tourney and being a working gal, The Mave met up with the team the night before the finals.

It was sheer hell not being there for the qualifying games but Miller Light Mom graciously drained her iphone battery, texting The Maven with minute by minute updates. Our first game was against the Quebec Selects, (the team which remained undefeated and went on to win the tournament) and we got our a**es handed to us in a 11-1 defeat.

In addition to the butt whooping, the Quebec-er parents’ conduct was equally chafing.  The Mavens’ decidedly positive opinion of all Canadians is now changed due to the snotty behavior of a few self-aggrandizing Kay-Beck mommies.

Immediately following the game, a Kay-beck mom came up to one of our dads and said in her Fwench akzent:  “What happened?  Why zee beeg dees-crepe-enzee (discrepancy)?  I felt zo bad for zem!  I wanted to go out and play for zem.”  Uh, was that supposed to be an olive branch?  Cuz, Seriously?  That’s freaking insulting, Madam.  Sure didn’t seem like you wanted to help out when you and vos copains were belting out the O-lay’s right up to the 11^th goal.  And I must say, neither your dress nor your, er, morphology is consistent with any type of athleticism.  At all.  So save your self-proclaimed prowess for the Canadian Checker board.

When She spied those shoes, The Mavens first thought was, “Huh…I didn’t realize Payless ShoeSource had locations in Canada.”  Then, moving north of the Beyond Thunderdome kicks…what’s up with that hair?  Was that intentional? You might want to give the Clairol hotline a buzz and get this thing resolved.  I know you Kay-Beckers think you’re the pinnacle of fashion, but, honey, that sort of hair calamity went out with oversized shoulder pads. And speaking of fashion mishaps…where ever did you find those knickers?  Looks like your lower half is fixing to attend the Irish Open and your upper half is awaiting the next Madonna concert. Pick a genre, Girl, and stay with it.

Hmmm.  And what have we here????

Tres chic. Certainment!  

Anyhoo…Such was our lot that our team faced the Quebec Selects in the Semi’s and met the same fate as in game one.  No doubt their team is the best in its' division in North America.  Not-with-standing their kids sporting achievements, the Quebec parents could use a little refinement.  It’s a whole lot easier losing to gracious winners. Oh, and here’s a take-home tip from The Maven:  it’s never good to mock the opposing teams’ national anthem when they’re in earshot.

Click HERE for post title translation.

*Special thanks to Tommy G. for aiding and abetting The Maven in Her Quebec-Thunderdome-mom-photo-quest.