A man from Queens NY is filing a lawsuit against Cadbury Adams, the makers of Trident Xtra Care gum. Joshua Hirsch claims he wouldn’t have bought the gum if it he’d known it wouldn’t “rebuild his teeth.” Apparently, he’s pissed that his jacked up, barnacle encrusted grill didn’t magically morph into a perfect “American Standard Toilet Bowl White” Hollywood smile and now, (Dammit!) he’s going to have to go to a dentist. Well! I never!
According to court documents, Josh bought Trident Xtra Care in 2009 and 2010, believing it would repair chips and decay in his teeth. Hirsch’s attorney Jerome Noll, states: "Cadbury preyed on this increased consumer desire for products promising healthier teeth between dental visits." The lawsuit claims unspecified damages for breach of contract, breach of warranty and unjust enrichment.
Unless you’re some kinda crack head, you’re not gonna believe that a stick of gum is gonna rebuild an entire tooth. That’s like thinking that eating a bowl of Wheaties will make you into an Olympic champion, or that serving your cat some Meow Mix is going to incite the little kitty to “ask for it by name.”
Where the heck did all these knuckleheads come from? And we’re constantly creating laws to keep these idiots from injuring themselves. Labeling issues have become an easy way for people to sue large companies for big payouts. Wouldn’t it be more expedient if we had a test to determine stupidity and then pass a law prohibiting blockheads from buying or using anything without assistance?
Here’s the legal fruit borne from years of morons (along with their attorneys) and their dimwitted antics:
(the following are from: “The Warning Label Book” by Green, Dierckins and Nyberg.)
- § A smoke detector which warns: "Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire."
- § A Batman Halloween costume with the warning "cape does not enable wearer to fly."
- § A butane lighter with the helpful hint that "Flame may cause fire.”
- § An advisory notice in public restrooms: "Do not eat the urinal cakes."
- § A car windshield cover with the warning "Never drive with the cover on your windshield."
Josh? The Mave’s a little concerned for your safety. Teeth can be sharp, and you could wind up hurting yourself with them. Plus, they’re a maintenance issue and you clearly don’t buy into the prevention program. How ‘bout we settle this case for 4 grand….pull ‘em all out and give you some nice dentures. That oughta’ keep you safe and out of trouble. (but remember: dentures are a choking hazard and may be harmful if swallowed)
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