The REAL Reason Smokers Don’t Get Dental Treatment

This just out from the CDC “Fewer smokers go to the dentist”

Uh…Really?  The Maven sure hopes the CDC didn’t spend a lotta cash money on that research, cuz any garden variety dentist coulda told you that.

According to Fox News:  “More than a third of smokers reported having three or more dental problems, … more than twice as much as people who never smoked.”

Further:  “20 percent of the smokers said they had not been to a dentist in at least five years.”

And here’s the real kicker:

Half of the smokers said they could not afford to see a dentist, a much higher proportion than non-smoking adults who didn’t go.”

Oh my dear…tsk, tsk, tsk…The Mave is s o  w e a r y of that over-used, worn-out, threadbare, dog-eared excuse.

Here’s the numbers:

Average number of cigs smoked daily for typical smoker:  30

Average price of a Pack of Cigs:  $6.29  (if you’re that unlucky puffer in NY, your average is $11.90)

Since one pack (20 cigs) is easier to calculate, let’s use that as our average daily inhalation:

Weekly expenditure:  $44.03

Monthly expenditure:  $176.12

Annual expenditure:  $2113.44

And, drum roll please…

National average cost of dental cleaning and exam:  $160

Hmmmmm…lookey there, that’s less than the average monthly for Cigs.

So,  if you’re a member of the nearly 20% of the US who smokes…could you please start answering the question of why you haven’t seen a dentist since Carter was President or why you only see a dentist when you have a problem in an honest way?  Try one of these:  “I don’t care about my teeth” or “It’s not a priority for me” or “I generally don’t take very good care of myself anyway.”

But, please.  Stop the Bull S#&+.   

And BTW?  You needn’t worry about “confessing” to the dentist that you’re a smoker.   We know.

I’m Not Drunk, But I Have Been Brushing My Teeth

In 2010, Massachusetts State Senator Anthony Galluccio resigned his senate seat after several run-ins with the law concerning a number of alcohol-related incidents. The senator recently tried to blame the combination of toothpastes he was using for failing a breathalyzer test.

Last October, following a number of DUI incidents, Galluccio was apprehended after fleeing the scene of a fender-bender which left a father and son injured. A judge ordered the Senator to surrender his driver’s license for 5 years as well as submit to random breath tests during his probationary period. Breath equipment was installed in his residence and he was sentenced to home confinement. Only three days after his sentencing, Galluccio failed the breathalyzer test. In a statement, the Senator said, “After discussing it with a physician, we have determined that it is the result of my using two toothpastes – Colgate Total Whitening and Sensodyne toothpaste, both of which contain sorbitol.”

Okay, Senator Oral Hygiene.

Could you give me the name of that “physician,” Senator? Cuz The Maven’s gotta look him up. The “Doc” who helped you craft this fairy tale needs to review his organic chemistry. Yes, Sorbitol is a sugar alcohol, but it isn’t volatile like ethyl alcohol. A breathalyzer registers your BAC (blood alcohol content) when the alcohol in your bloodstream passes through your lungs and is exhaled due to its’ property of volatility. Sorbitol, on the other hand, has a negligible volatility and is not exhaled through the lungs. It can’t cause false positives on a breathalyzer. Period.

Now, if you were using one of the following dentifrices, perhaps, just maybe, you could get the breathalyzer to give you a positive reading:

Arm & Hammered Toothpaste
 (for that Fresh from the Tavern feeling of Clean)


Pearl Schnapps
(See the Moonshine, Feel the Buzz)



Colgate Totaled
(Number 1 Recommended by Drunkards)

Had you opted for the mouthwash claim you might have gotten some minor traction, as many rinses do contain alcohol. But you and your “physician” went with the urban myth about toothpaste. Dumb move. Next time you try to weasel your way out of a legal hot-spot with a chemical defense? Get yourself some competent advice from someone who knows their hydrocarbons and derivatives.